


Pass the Butter

by Isis



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Dinner Party, Fish out of Water, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-07-10
Updated: 2004-07-10
Packaged: 2019-10-10 18:19:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,161
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17431070
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Isis/pseuds/Isis
Summary: The Dursleys - and Harry - are invited to a dinner party at Twelve Grimmauld Place.





	Pass the Butter

**Author's Note:**

> Written in July 2005, recently rediscovered on my hard drive. I'm not sure I posted it anywhere before.

Harry was clearing away the breakfast dishes when the owl arrived. When he heard it, beating its wings against the glass of the kitchen window, he rushed over to open it, but Uncle Vernon stopped him.

"How dare you allow that…that…place," he growled, apparently unwilling to call Hogwarts by its name, "to send you these unnatural creatures?"

"It's just an owl," began Harry, but Uncle Vernon was already at the window. 

"Shoo! Shoo!" he cried, as the owl kept bashing itself against the window. "Damn thing's going to get blood and feathers all over," he muttered.

"It might be important," said Harry. 

"Nothing from those…those…deviants can possibly be important!" He advanced on Harry, looking as though he were about to strike him; Harry dashed around Uncle Vernon's bulk and unfastened the window, reaching out a hand for the letter the owl carried.

Much to Harry's surprise, the owl flew past him into the room, circled Uncle Vernon once, and then dropped its letter directly on top of his head before flying back out. Uncle Vernon grabbed the letter. On it was written:

Vernon, Petunia, and Dudley Dursley  
4 Privet Drive  
Little Whinging, Surrey

"Hah!" said Uncle Vernon. "D'you see, it's not even for you." He ripped open the envelope. His face grew darker as he read the letter inside. "What kind of a stupid name is 'Dumbledore'?"

"Er…he's the headmaster at my school?"

He held the letter by one corner, as though he were afraid it would bite him. "Petunia, can you believe the gall of this Dumbledore fellow? Invited us to a dinner party!"

Aunt Petunia sniffed loudly. "I wouldn't eat with those people if I was starving to death!"

"Dinner party?" said Dudley. "I love dinner. I bet they've got heaps of food there. Can we go, huh, can we, pleeeeeeeeease?"

"You heard your mother," said Uncle Vernon sternly. "We are not going, and that's that."

"I wanna go! If you don't let me go I won't eat any more and I'll get all skinny and die of starvation and you'll be sorrrrrrrry!" whined Dudley.

Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon looked at each other uneasily. "All right, Dudderkins," Aunt Petunia finally said. "We'll go."

Dudley gave Harry a smug look. "At least stupid Harry wasn't invited."

Just as he said it, another owl swooped in through the still-open window and dropped another invitation right onto Harry's head.

* * *

"Welcome, welcome," said Professor Dumbledore. "Please take a seat. No, not that one," he added hastily as the chair that Dudley was about to sit in growled at him and started sidling away.

Harry looked around with interest. Number twelve, Grimmauld Place had certainly been spruced up since the last time he was there. A cheery-looking fire burned in the fireplace. Gone were the musty tapestries; in their place were Weird Sisters posters and a rather amateurish painting of a hippogriff. Tonks, who had met them in the hall, said that if she had to live in the place - it turned out that it had passed to her, and the rest of the Order had asked her to stay and keep it clean and de-pixied - at least she was going to decorate it as she wanted.

Fortunately the portrait of old Mrs Black had been removed. It was bad enough that Aunt Petunia had screamed pretty much continuously ever since the Portkey (an empty can of Friskies cat food) had whisked them to the Order house. She had quieted down once they were in the dining room, but she kept looking around fearfully, clutching her handbag so tightly that her knuckles looked as though they might pop out of her skin.

Uncle Vernon clearly wasn't sure what to make of things, but Harry could tell he was trying desperately to pretend he was in control. He held out a hand to Dumbledore, saying "Vernon Dursley," and looked baffled when instead of shaking it, Dumbledore turned it palm-up and studied it.

"I never was good at Divination," Dumbledore said cheerfully, dropping Uncle Vernon's hand. "But won't you sit down?" Uncle Vernon looked confused, but sat. Next to him Aunt Petunia sat ramrod-straight, frowning at Tonks. 

"That woman," said Aunt Petunia to Uncle Vernon, "has pink hair."

"What, don't you like it? All right, how's this?" Tonks scrunched up her face, and her hair turned from pink to a sort of dark green with white stripes.

Aunt Petunia screamed.

"Cool!" said Dudley.

"Just ignore her, dear," said Uncle Vernon.

"So when do we eat?" said Dudley. He reached greedily for the basket of rolls and butter.

"When the other guests arrive," said Dumbledore. He waved his wand and the basket sprouted legs and walked to the far end of the table. Just then the fire flared and Professor McGonagall stepped out.

Aunt Petunia screamed again.

"But I'm hungry!" whined Dudley.

"That's nearly all," said Dumbledore. "I believe Alastor plans to -"

Just then, Mad-Eye Moody appeared in mid-air above the table, falling into the basket of rolls, scattering them. One fortuitously flew into Dudley's mouth.

Aunt Petunia screamed again.

"There you are," said Dumbledore. He laced his fingers together and twinkled benevolently at the group around the table. "You see, Mr and Mrs Dursley, you have nothing to fear from us witches and wizards. We are all perfectly ordinary sorts of people."

At this, Uncle Vernon had a bit of a coughing fit; Mad-Eye Moody took off his artificial leg and whacked him on the back with it, muttering, "Constant vigilance!" until it finally subsided.

"Can we eat yet?" said Dudley.

Dumbledore raised his hand and waved it in the air, and the table was immediately covered in…stuff. 

"Is this food?" asked Tonks, poking it with her wand. Dudley was already cramming something into his mouth.

All of a sudden, the fireplace flared to life again. It was Kingsley Shacklebolt, and he looked alarmed. "Dementors! They're pouring out of the Veil! The Ministry has been overrun!" Then his eyes widened and he disappeared from the fire - just as a Dementor stepped out into the dining room!

Aunt Petunia screamed again.

"Oh, shut your gob," said Tonks, and pointed her wand at Aunt Petunia. "Stupefy!"

Dudley had been paying attention to the food rather than to the fireplace, but when he looked up, his mouth full of roast beast, he panicked. He still remembered his encounter with the Dementor last year. "Mmmph mmph ggmm!"

"You, there!" said Uncle Vernon, springing to his feet and interposing himself between Dudley and the Dementor. "You stay away from my - arrrghhhh!"

As Uncle Vernon crumpled to the ground, the Dementor bending over him, Dumbledore waved his wand. "Expecto Patronum!" A spectral silver bumblebee buzzed across the room and flew right through the Dementor, which screamed and dissipated. "There, that's settled," said Dumbledore, putting away his wand. "Pass the butter?"

All in all, Harry thought, it was about the best dinner party he'd ever attended.


End file.
